


You can't Escape the Harem Miles

by skyGaia



Category: Dance with Devils (Anime)
Genre: Crack, F/F, Humor, NO fourth wall breaking, Shade, This Is STUPID, all the shade
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-01
Updated: 2017-12-01
Packaged: 2019-02-09 00:12:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12876060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyGaia/pseuds/skyGaia
Summary: Ritsuka wants to find some non-harem anime to watch with Azusa. Unfortunately, the genre is everywhere. Jek appears to explain why. [Crack one-shot. Definitely no fourth wall breaking. And definitely no mention of Ritsuka’s mom.]





	You can't Escape the Harem Miles

“Azusa, wanna hang out at my place?” Ritsuka asked one day, smiling at her friend. Azusa smiled back, her heart going doki-doki at the sight of Ristuka’s bright, beautiful smile.

“Sure, Rituska. What do you want to do while we hang out?” Azusa replied, swinging her school bag over her shoulder. It was the end of the day, and class had just let out in Shikou Academy. Folloing Ritsuka over to the classroom door, and then down the hall, Azusa eagerly awaited her red-haired friend’s reply as she thought it over.

“Hmmm. Maybe we could watch some anime? I hear there’s a bunch of good new shows this season.” Ritsuka suggested, to which Azusa eagerly nodded.

“I hope there’s at least some non-harem anime this season, though,” the blonde replied, tucking a curl of hair behind her ear. The pair walked towards the school gates, the afternoon sun dying the sky a golden color. It was a perfect end to a perfect day.

Ritsuka thought her friend’s comment over. Sure, there was a lot of harem anime out there, but some of the reverse-harems were good, weren’t they? The thought of having a bunch of attractive, bishounen men fawning over her and treating her like a princess make her heart pound with excitement. _Aah, how romantic…it really sucks that the protagonist always has no personality though…_ The red-haired schoolgirl thought.

Turning to her firend to reply, Ritsuka smiled. “Don’t worry Azusa, I’m sure there’s gotta be some non-harem anime this season! After all, those big companies like Studio Deen and Kyoto Animation and Xebec and Lerche and A-1 Pictures and all those other companies surely won’t keep doing anime like that when all of those plots have been used up and dried out for ages now!” She reassured her friend, who smiled and nodded along.

“Yes, I’m sure. After all, it’s not like the animation industry in Japan is slaving itself to the needs of Otaku or anything,” Azusa replied. The two friends continued on their way home, discussing the different titles that had come out and which ones they would sample. They eventually made it to Ritsuka’s house, and went inside, taking off their shoes and making their way over to Ritsuka’s living room.

Ritsuka’s mom smiled at them as they passed but they ignored her because when was Ritsuka’s mom ever a major character anyway? She only showed up in a couple of scenes, and barely had any speaking parts. No, in fact, Ritsuka’s mom was actually out of the house, shopping at the grocery store for an indefinite amount of time. Because she’s not part of this fic.

“I’m right here, and that was very mean.”

Who said that? Nobody, that’s who. Moving along.

“Wait, don’t kill me off already!”

Back in the living room, where the door was _not_ locked and Ritsuka’s mom was _not_ banging on the door trying to get in so she could berate me _because she was at the grocery store_ , Ritsuka and Azusa had settled down into the counch and turned on the TV, and were currently flipping through the channels trying to find appropriate non-harem anime.

“Ugh, it’s like there _isn’t_ any non-harem anime that’s currently playing for this season or something,” Azusa complained, pressing a button on the remote to change the channel once more at the sight of some poor anime girl getting ensnared by tentacles and touched inappropriately by them. “I mean, what was even the deal with that anime just now, anyway? I thought the To-Love-Ru series was dead.”

“I guess not,” Ritsuka replied, frowning. Azusa passed the remote to her, and the red-haired girl took it, bringing up the menu. “Let’s see if we can find anything else.”

So they kept flipping through channels, and in the process stumbled upon a few onsen scenes, no more than six bathroom-walk-in scenes, seventeen trip-and-grab-boob scenes, one beach scene, three incest scenes, and twenty eight panty shot scenes. Azusa eventually groaned and threw the remote at the TV, which didn’t really do anything to it but let the current anime keep playing.

“Uggggh! This is so frustrating! Why are there so many harem anime? Can’t the people in the anime industry see that the whole genre has been done to death? Why can’t they come up with anything better, or more creative? It’s always the same exact plots over and over again! I’m fed up with it!” The blonde flopped into the chair, staring up at the ceiling boredly.

“Azusa? Ritsuka? Could you please let me in?” Came a voice from behind the door. The _not_ -banging had stopped, and _not_ -Ritsuka’s mom could _not_ be heard sighing from behind the door. Ritsuka and Azusa ignored her, though, because Ritsuka’s mom was _at the grocery store_.

“Look, you, I don’t know who you think you are, or what you even want, but I really do actually need to get in. I need to make dinner for the girls. It’s dinnertime. Please, let me in.”

But Ritsuka and Azusa had already made their own dinner, which totally had been there the whole time, plates in their hands. Ritsuka slurped a noodle in thought, thinking about what to do.

“How did you—”

But Ritsuka’s mom did _not_ reply, _because she was at the grocery store_. Moving on…

“ _I_ can explain why there’s so many harem anime,” came another voice, and the two girls looked behind them in shock. It was Jek! Somehow, he mysteriously teleported into the room while nobody was looking. Crossing his arms sagely, he nodded to himself as if he were some wise teacher.

“Wait, _who’s_ here now? By God, when I get my hands on that damn vampire--!” Ritsuka’s mom did _not_ say, and did _not_ resume banging on and rattling the door, _because she was at the grocery store_.

“Jek! What are you doing here? And can you really explain why there are so many harem anime?” Ristuka asked, wide-eyed. Azusa shot a look at Ristuka, and interrupted before Jek could say anything.

“Wait, Ritsuka! You can’t trust this man. He’s going to make you believe that there’s no hope for non-harem anime!” Azusa warned, placing her hand on Ritsuka’s. Her heart went doki-doki as Ritsuka looked back at her, her clear, golden eyes warm on her face…

“Don’t worry Azusa, I’ll be careful. After all, I have you to protect me!” The red-haired girl declared, and Azusa sighed in relief. Jek shook his head at these antics, and cleared his throat so he could continue.

“Well, for starters, the number one reason that there’s so many harem anime is because Japan’s animation industry is slaving itself to the wants and needs of Otaku.” The vampire started, enjoying the shocked gasps that came from the two girl’s mouths. Continuing, he added, “Yes, that’s right! It’s all the Otaku’s fault! The fact that so many anime’s art styles make the female characters look like little girls and make everyone have the same face is the Otaku’s fault, too!”

“Nooo!” Ritsuka cried, holding her head in her hands. It was true, that since the 90’s many of the characters she saw in anime were getting shorter and shorter, with more chubby faces and big, cutesy eyes. “Why must this world be filled with lolicons? Why??”

“It’s the sad, sad truth,” Jek admitted, looking down sadly. “But it’s the truth nonetheless. In fact, I expect that by 2025 all anime girls will look like mere babies and will talk like them too, if only to satisfy the Lolicon Otaku’s desires.” Shaking his head, he looked back up, eyes shining with confidence. “But never fear, Ritsuka! We, the vampires, are taking the fight to Big Otaku in order to change things for the Anime Industry of Japan! But, to do that, we need your power!”

Ritsuka looked back up at Jek. “You…you mean that? But, what could I possibly do to change things?”

Azusa immediately shot that down, however. “Don’t be taken in by his lies, Ritsuka! He’s just trying to use you so he can change the Anime Industry of Japan to make everything about vampires instead! He doesn’t care about your pure desires to get rid of Lolicon Otaku’s at all!”

Ritsuka looked torn, shifting her gaze back and forth between Jek and Azusa. Jek frowned, and muttered to himself, “I guess I’ll need to change tactics here…ahem!” the pink haired vampire cleared his throat, drawing the two girl’s gaze.

“Do not worry, fair Ristuka,” Jek said, spreading his arms wide. “I vow, that even if we do make all anime about Vampires, they will never feature the horrible loli-esque designs of your favorite female characters!”

Ritsuka frowned, noticing something odd about his words. “But what about the harem genre? Won’t you change that as well?”

Jek laughed, cackling manically. “Fool! Don’t you get it, Ritsuka? You sat through that many eechi harem anime scenes, and yet you still don’t understand?” The vampire laughed some more, clenching his fist and raising it into the air in front of him. “You _can’t_ – _escape_ – _the harem_ – _miles_!”

“Seriously, what is going _on_ in there?” Came a voice from behind the door, which _definitely_ wasn’t Ristuka’s mom. After all, Ritsuka’s mom _was at the grocery store_ , and therefore _could not_ have been home. Even if the voice _sounded_ like Ritsuka’s mom, it wasn’t her. So, please ignore her.

“Don’t you ignore me—!”

Moving on…

Ritsuka looked confused, as did Azusa. Azusa was the one who spoke up, however. “What do you mean, ‘harem miles’?”

“Ah,” Jek said, lowering his clenched fist, “Well, you see, the harem miles are the cancerous tendrils of the harem genre, spreading out from the first ever work of the harem genre, digging their way into every anime, every light novel, ever manga, every fanfiction and doujinshi that will ever be made, past, present, and future. You can’t escape them, those clichés and cookie-cutter character types and uninteresting, loser, no-personality-what-so-ever protagonists will always feature in at least some sort of form in any work that anyone makes!” He explained, voice growing in fervor with each second that he continued talking until he finished.

“But, why _miles_? Why called the the harem _miles_?” Azusa pressed, frowning.

“Well, probably because the author who wrote this whole fanfic thought up the phrase and desperately wanted to write a scene using it. But also because, if you make those strands material and laid them out straight, it would go on for miles and miles. Here, I even have a diagram.” Jek explained, reaching up and grabbing the handle of a rolled up poster that had been hanging from the wall closest to him – yes that was there the whole time – and pulling it down.

Has he pulled down the handle, the poster unrolled, and a diagram showing a picture of zoomed-out red tendrils spreading across the page with little lines that marked how many miles they were at every few points. If one looked closely at the picture, you could see that it was actually unfinished, having dropped off at the 987,654,321,123,456,789th mile.

“Why are they red?” Ritsuka asked, twirling a couple of strands of her own red hair around a finger. Jek looked at the poster, and shrugged.

“Maybe so that the reference will be more obvious? The author doesn’t know if anyone actually knows what the reference is referring to in the fandom, after all.” The vampire guessed.

BANG! The door to the room split open, and Ristuka’s mom appeared, holding an axe. “Finally! I’ve been trying to get that door open for _ages_! Now, you there, yes, you! What the _hell_ is going on?”

Um…you’re not talking to me, are you?

Ritsuka’s mom frowned. “Yes, I’m talking to you!” She put her hands on her hips, axe dangling in her left. “What have you done to my daughter? Ritsuka doesn’t even _like_ anime! Tell me, where on the wiki does it even say that she likes anime?”

Um…

Uh…

Damn, it really doesn’t say, does it?

W-well, what about Azusa?!

…

“You see now? There’s absolutely no in-character reason for this fic to exist! And Jek!” Ritsuka’s mom pointed her axe at Jek, who flinched back a bit.

The vampire feebly lifted a finger to point at himself, mouthing “Me?” in confusion.

“Yeah, you! There’s no reason in the world why you would know _anything_ about harem anime, or anime at all! And what even _is_ this about, I quote, ‘ _vampires are taking the fight to Big Otaku’_?! Do you honestly believe my daughter would fall for something as stupid as that?!”

Jake looked to the side, scratching his cheek with a finger and blushing in embarrassment. Ritsuka’s mom paused for a second, tilting her head to the side.

“…How _did_ you get inside anyway?”

“…window…” he mumbled, pulling his fancy hood up over his face.

“Well, get out.”

Jek obliged, shuffling over to the window and opening it, crawling through it, then closing it from outside. Azusa sighed in relief, placing a hand on her chest to placate herself.

Ritsuka’s mom frowned, and turned back to the direction she was originally facing. “And stop calling me ‘Ritsuka’s mom!’ I have a _name_ , you know!”

…sorry.

Maria Tachibana huffed, smiling a little at the way she was addressed by her full name. “That’s better. Now, time to end this fic.”

Wait, what?

No.

Please, don’t.

That wouldn’t be a proper ending.

“Well, it’s not like you had an ending planned anyway, did you?”

……………………………………..I was sure that I’d come up with something along the way…..

“That’s not how this works! You gotta have an ending in mind! But since you don’t have one, I’ll end it for you! Here!” Maria Tachibana brandished her axe, and swung it.

Wait wait waIT NO NO NO—

 

**Author's Note:**

> Ritsuka woke up, shooting upward into a sitting position. Rubbing at her eyes, she mumbled, "What a strange dream..."  
> Maria Tachibana walked in, smiling brightly. "Good morning, sunshine. How did you sleep?"  
> "Pretty good, mom. I had this weird dream, though..." Ritsuka replied, yawning.  
> "O-oh...is that so...?" Maria chuckled nervously, quickly hiding the axe in her hands behind her back.


End file.
